Adapted from an online discussion.

Hi Carolyn: I have a longtime friend who is driven, educated and caring.

A few years ago she started dating her boyfriend, a sometimes-musician who works minimally. She moved him in when he was “between apartments” and he's lived there ever since.

Now, this guy is perfectly nice, loyal and she enjoys his company, but he contributes maybe 5 percent max to their shared expenses. Maybe it’s mean, but I’ve sort of rationalized this as her choosing to have a pet: perfectly enjoyable company, but doesn’t contribute. She says she is happy, but my concerns are:

1. She praises him with statements like, “He's so thoughtful; I got home from work late the other night and started cleaning the bathroom, and he told me, 'You're tired, just leave that until the morning and relax tonight.'" Yes, instead of making any move to clean the bathroom himself that he'd been sitting around using all week.

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2. She says they want kids one day. I can't help but think how much they'll miss these past years' worth of potential dual income when that time comes.

I feel like you’re going to tell me to just stay out of it … which I’m prepared to hear. But is there any way this is a legitimate, healthy situation, just unconventional? Or am I right to want better for her? And what can I even say at this point?

— Friend

Friend: For your purposes, none of the bigger questions matters — whether this can be healthy, whether it’s okay to want more for her, whether more income would help them later (yes).

That's because you have a clear opportunity just to have your half of normal conversations with your friend. So when she says he was “thoughtful” to let her do all the work tomorrow while he does nothing, you get to say, “Wait a minute — he didn't just do it himself? Wouldn't that have been the thoughtful thing?” This is the kind of stuff friends say to each other normally, calling bull wherever they see it.

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For some reason, when there's an iffy partner in the picture, we friends tend to clam up and start overthinking and holding back. On a normal, micro, day-to-day, typical-conversation level, please don't clam up.

If you've already tried that and you've shut yourself down because she kept shutting you down, then that's your answer. A different one, and discouraging, but definitive all the same.

Re: Pet boyfriend: I’m curious if you think there was any gender bias here. If the good friend were a man who lived with a “sometimes-musician” girlfriend, and they planned to have kids, and she would be the stay-at-home parent, would the writer still “want more” for her male friend?

— Curious

Curious: There may be, sure, which is why it’s so great that we still don’t need to parse any of the bigger questions. There’s only regular conversation and responding on the spot: e.g., “How is it thoughtful if you’re still the one cleaning the bathroom?”

To which the answer could be: “He does 90 percent of the cleaning, this was just my agreed-upon job and I had been putting it off.” The not jumping to conclusions, asking-questions approach can benefit all involved. All basics, no noise.

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